Haunted Edinburgh: Greyfriars Kirkyard

The following is my fictionalized version of the true story of a homeless man falling through the floor in Lord George Mackenzie’s tomb in Greyfriars Kirkyard in Edinburgh.

Edinburgh. December, 1998:

He was soaked through four layers, his body aching from an epicentre in his belly. At any moment it felt as if all of his insides would abandon post and blow up, crash through his bones and skin and splatter into the cold air. Anything to spread a little warmth.

It is easy to stay to the shadows in a graveyard. Greyfriars must breed half of Edinburgh’s winter gloom, a parade of silhouettes slithering out from the womb of stone and moonless sky.

All the same he kept to the sides, trying the gates of each tomb as he went. Finally, one tomb so black it could have blended into the night. But the gate had not been locked, and inside the cold seemed at least to be holding still. It would do.

With palms flat against the stone and eyes wide open like funnels sucking in the darkness, he made his way towards the back of the tomb, to find a quiet corner and wait out the storm.

Clunk. His foot moved from the earth to what felt and sounded like wood. Impulse made him lift his left boot and bring it down three times, like a knock on a door.

Knock knock kno…

And he was gone, his mouth opening in a silent cry as he fell through the rotten floor, taking damp earth and stones with him. A moment of chaos and clamber, then nothing. He retched himself up to sitting and breathed into the ballooning silence.

He had fallen onto uneven ground, which poked into him and made it difficult to find his balance. His hands slipped around, trying to make sense of it all.

Even in the dark, there are bones the shape of which are so familiar that we can build the picture in our minds of their place on the skeleton. Now he was surrounded by them, his fingers moving over skulls, over the linking charms of finger joints and the batons of fibula. His imagination doused the scene in the green slime he knew was there, because he could feel it clinging to him.

He screamed as he reached up and through the jagged hole where he had broken through, his dirty hands emerging into the gloom like a shock scene in a horror film. Two hard pulls brought him back to the surface, and as soon as he found his feet he began to run. He hurled straight through the graveyard this time, towards the nearest lamp which illuminated the falling rain. A light to erase the shadows, the rain promising to wash everything away.

Did you like that? Since that fateful night, Greyfriars Kirkyard has never been the same. Because you see, it seems that someone, or something, was unleashed when the man fell through. The unfortunate man claimed it was the evil ghostly energy of none other than Mackenzie himself.

The reports began almost immediately. People visiting the area told of how they were attacked by something they could not see. Often their hair was pulled, or they suddenly lost consciousness, despite having no history of such occurrences.

Scratches and bruises appeared on their arms and legs the day after visiting the site. An exorcist even had a go at ridding the place of what had become known as Mackenzie’s Poltergeist. The exorcist said it was not possible - the energy was too strong, and he feared for his life. A few weeks later he died of a heart attack.

In this age of concern for public safety, Edinburgh Council thought it best to close off the area entirely, until a ghost tour company convinced the council to let them lead small groups of people into the tomb while telling visitors the history of the area. (Mackenzie’s tomb is on the left down past the locked gate. There is no way in now without an official guide).

Now I’ve been on the City of the Dead tour, and it was, as JP would say, wank. They stuffed a dozen of us into the black mausoleum and made us wait there in the dark to see if anything would happen.

We all stood in silence, some of us hoping, willing this demonic ball of energy to graze our necks with icy licks. Nothing. Well, until one of the tour guides jumped out like a bogeyman in an attempt to illicit some screams. Talk about ruining the vibe.

Never mind. The story -and all the unanswerable questions - are what matter. For example, why Mackenzie? Was it because during his years as a lawyer he so mercilessly persecuted the Covenanters, who chose Presbyterianism over the crown’s favoured Episcopacy?

His relentless cruelty toward them is why he became known as “Bluidy” Mackenzie. How high and mighty of him - sending down all those poor folks for their beliefs. How very awkward for him then to eventually be buried in the same ground as many of those who died as a result of his prosecution. Perhaps that is the cursed friction that keeps him spinning out of the grave.

Greyfriars Kirk is my most beloved graveyard, simply because it is so creepy. I love the dancing skeletons and the giant tombs. I love the gravestones that look to be slowly sinking into the mud. 

I should add that the reason there were so many bones under the floor was the churchyard was apparently the home to many unregistered burials during the plague. The number of headstones in the graveyard is estimated to be just a fraction of the number of bodies underfoot.

If you fancy reading more about the ghouls and ghosts of Scotland’s capital, pop over to Edinburgh’s Dark Side.

I’ll haunt you later…(oooooh...chocolate eyeballs!)

Porridge and Ghosts: Winter Staples (& treats!)

The start of the dark season is filled with so many wonderful distractions in Scotland. It seems to me that the Scottish take the coming of winter very seriously, as along with the growing shadows and the wind that turns the body to an icy sponge, there is a sense of ritual, of facing off with the gloom.

This post is dedicated to two staples of Scottish life: a hot bowl of porridge, and a good ghost story.

First, to porridge. Dear reader, I ask you to lift your spoon in salute, for today is a great day. Yes, today the World Porridge Making Championships took place in Carrbridge in Inverness-shire. Known as The Golden Spurtle, this competition takes place each year in celebration of one of Scotland’s most beloved dishes. Contestants from around the world have taken part, and today American Matthew Fox was awarded the coveted golden spurtle trophy.

The organizers of The Golden Spurtle event have taken their passion one step further and teamed up with the Scottish Charity Mary’s Meals, to dub today World Porridge Day in a bid to help feed children in some of the poorest countries in the world.

But I digress. What on earth is a spurtle? Dating from the 15th century, the dowel-like spurtle has a place in most Scottish kitchens, where it is used to stir soups and (you guessed it) porridge.

I was unable to make it to this year’s big event, however I still wanted to mark the occasion, so on Saturday I wandered over to Edinburgh’s Farmers' Market. There in the centre of the market, just where I knew it would be, sat the wee Stoats Porridge hut.

I love the Stoats Porridge people. They don’t just offer pots of organic porridge, they tempt us with porridge with white chocolate and toasted hazelnuts, or whisky, honey and cream, or the always popular Cranachan recipe, which features raspberries, honey and cream.

If you don’t fancy a pot of porridge, you can buy one of the bars and become utterly, hopelessly addicted until you find yourself offering to bribe the salespeople for the recipe. On Saturday I opted to skip my usual choice of white chocolate and hazelnuts and go for a Cranachan porridge. And the lovely porridge girl even let me take her photo - hurrah!

As my own way of encouraging Scotland lovers to dig out their oats and get cooking, I am giving away a spurtle! Alas, it’s not golden - it’s beech wood. But it does come with a little recipe attached so you can get cooking right away.

But wait! Before you throw your name in the hat for the Scottish spoon of excellence, what about ghosts? Didn’t I say that the dark season was full of delightful distractions?

The annual atmosphere of eeriness is being set around the country, with various events marking the approach of Samhain, better known as Halloween. The Pagan New Year, Samhain is a time for telling stories and honouring the thinning veil between our worlds. In Edinburgh, the various ghost tours become busier as the flying leaves and black cobbles give the evening walks an extra ambience of the other-worldly.

The Scottish Storytelling Festival will soon be kicking off, with events planned around Scotland. As always it includes a special session dedicated to ghost stories on Halloween night. I have attended this event in the past and the walk home always takes on a wonderful chill that delights me in ways I cannot describe.

Over in the forests of Perthshire, the lights of the Enchanted Forest will once again astound visitors. The theme for this year’s event, which also ends 1 November, is Scottish Myths and Legends.

If you’re looking for the basis of a ghost story to tell your kids this autumn, there is nothing like a good old fashioned haunting, and Scotland has no shortage of buildings said to house restless spirits. The second edition of Martin Coventry’s Haunted Places of Scotland has just come out, and this is my second treat for the month of October.

But here’s the rub: you have to choose. Do you want to throw your name into hat for the spurtle, symbol of Scottish porridge goodness? Or do you want to read through a list of frightening spectres like the phantom coach of Dumfries House or the spirit of the monk said to haunt to cloister area of Melrose Abbey?

As usual, entering is as easy as leaving a comment and specifying your choice of the porridge hat or the haunted hat. To comment on this post is to enter your name in the draw, so if you don’t specify a choice, I will choose for you and you will just have to be surprised. If you don’t have a blog that you can link back to, you can email me at scotland4thesenses@googlemail.com and include “porridge ghosts!” in the subject line. Those who won the last giveaway won’t be able to play this time around, but you can join in again for November.

I’ll be drawing the names on 17 October, so get your names in before then!

***********This giveaway has now finished. Congrats to Chris and Deb Salisbury:)********************